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6 Reasons Why Energy Drinks Will Harm you

Each and every day, we are forced to try and squeeze more work hours, and more efficiency out of each day, all the while trying to maintain our exercise routine so we don’t croak before we see 50.

Gone are the days when people would drink three pots of cover over the course of the day to stay focused.  Here are the days of the energy drink and its 9 billion dollar industry.

The industry leads us to believe that by drinking these energy drink elixirs you will be given the ability to maintain your focus and be able to increase your productivity or your sports performance by leaps and bounds.  Unfortunately, the energy drink industry for the most part is fuelled by capitalism and not by your health.

For those of you who are hammering energy drinks, really take a step back and think about what you are putting into your body on a daily basis, these drinks could be potentially causing you long term health issues.

Ridiculous amount of Sugar

Have you ever taken a look how much sugar is in one can of Rockstar or Redbull?  The immense amount of sugar is responsible for many issues including elevated blood sugar, insulin spikes, weakening of the immune system as well as the onset of obesity.

Oh what is that you say? You are drinking the sugar free version? Well, you might not be getting fat, and you might not be wreaking havoc on your blood sugar levels, but it is no secret that there are long term side effects associated with Aspartame.  Have fun remembering your name when you hit 70!

Energy Crash

So you need a little energy to help get you through the day? What do you do, reach for your run of the mill can of Redbull or Rockstar and get a monster caffeine rush that lasts about an hour before you hit a wall.  Once you hit the peak of your caffeine buzz it is time to introduce yourself to the good old caffeine and sugar crash.

Your caffeine levels have tapered off and your blood sugar is so low your body is prepared to go into a diabetic coma.  Unless you are drinking an all natural healthy energy drink like Xowii, this is the point where you either need to pound back another glass of caffeinated sugar or allow your productivity to crash with your energy levels.

Makes you wonder if energy drinks are really the answer for all your productivity needs huh?

Got Meth Anybody?

Everybody loves a meth junky right? Well thats what most people act like after consuming 200mg or more of caffeine.  While not all energy drinks have 200mg of caffeine, many of the newer drinks are pushing the limits on caffeine, and for the most part, people are not going to want anything to do with a bumbling idiot who is talking two million words per minute.

Anxiety

Ever wonder why your girlfriend’s mom really pisses you off after a long day full of energy drinks?  Well my friend, chances are you are experiencing anxiety which after awhile causes every last little thing to piss you off.  Also, anxiety causes every last little thing to build up in the back of your mind until you are ready to either explode from anger or have a nervous breakdown due to your mentally exaggerated stress.

Caffeine Withdrawals

So your week starts out with a couple Red Bulls and ends with a case of Xenergy drinks with 200mg+ of caffeine per can.  After your high performance week, along comes the weekend which is supposed to be down time.  Instead of being able to relax on your couch and chill like a normal human being, a nasty headache takes the place of down time.  After a five day streak of pounding back half a gram of caffeine a day, your body isn’t ready to call it quits.  For you my friend, it means your head shall be pounding all day until you find that sweet sweet can of Full Throttle to guzzle.  Sweet, we have energy again, I guess we should just keep the fridge fully stocked full of energy drinks for the weekends since you are now officially an addict.

I’ve personally tried quitting coffee a few times, and let me tell you it is actually pretty hard, I can’t imagine having to quit the caffeine demons that are energy drinks.

Glow in the Dark Piss

I’m not sure if this one is really a bad thing or actually kind of cool, but after pounding back a few cans of energy drink, your body has no use for all the excess Vitamin B you’ve just consumed so in order to get it out of your body you will find your self with some very interesting neon yellow glow in the dark piss. If you are lucky it might also smell like ammonia.. but that is the cherry on top.

Before I close down this article, I should let you know that I was a pretty heavy energy drink users for years.  Three Rockstar Energy drinks a day was nothing short of normal for me.  While I can’t throw stones while living in a glass house, I’ve switched my addiction from energy drinks to Coffee.  Hopefully a few cups of coffee is never found to causes colon cancer or something or I guess I’m screwed.  Good luck on quitting energy drinks!

5 Fish Platters You Won’t Find at Red Lobster

Like most suburban white trash families, when I want a first class seafood dinner, I pack up my twelve children into our Dodge Caravan, grab the latest set of Red Lobster coupons from my entertainment book and head out to the local Red Lobster.

While there are so many delicious varieties of Seafood at Red Lobster, there are always a few things they don’t ‘QUITE’ offer.  The following seafood you will either have to put together yourself or get customized by your buddy who works the grill at McDonalds.

The Garbage Plate

(via thisiswhyyourefat.com)

The Garbage platge is a combination of either cheeseburger, hamburger, Italian sausages, steak, chicken, white or red hots, a grilled cheese sandwich, fried fish, or eggs, served on top of one or two of the following: home fries, fries, beans, and mac salad. The plate is adorned with optional mustard, onions or hot sauce.

9 Decker Filet O Fish

Sorry folks, the 9 decker Filet of fish is a McDonalds exclusive for the time being.  I’m sure Red Lobster has got to have something similar though!

Mc Surf n Turf

Another McDonald’s exclusive here people.  Can’t decide between a burger or a Filet o Fish? Why not put your hands together my fat little friend?

Deep Fried Fish Tacos

We were so close to actually eating healthy with these fish tacos, but we figured it wouldn’t have been very American of us.  So of course we broke out the deep fryer and made sure that fish was nicely battered before submerging it in bubbling hot lard.

Deep Fried Salmon

No matter how hard I try, I can’t leave something that is naturally healthy, such as Salmon and leave it healthy.  In this case, we battered the living hell out of these beautiful Salmon filets and let them bubble in my deep fryer long enough to kill off any health benefits.  Delicious.

The Ultimate Fish Slide

It is always sad when a pet passes, but what happens if your pet happens to be a delicious fish?

Do you do the respectable thing and give him a proper flush burial or do pan fry him and incorporate him into a gourmet meal that will probably land you some action from your woman?

This man had this exact scenario and did what any intelligent man would do when faced with such a dilemma; he built a giant fish water slide with two possible exist points and left it up to fate.

14 Pizzas Worth Dying For

These days Pizza is as American as Apple pie. When a food becomes American you have to be prepared for some extremely unhealthy variations to rear their ugly heads and Pizza is no exception.  Below I will exhibit 14 pizzas that many people would not hesitate to stuff down their gullet.

Some of the pictures courtesy of   this is why you’re fat.

Hot Dog And French Fry Pizza

Want to combine hot dog day and pizza day at school all into one tasty glorious day? Eat a Hot Dog & French fry pizza!

Turkish Kebab Pizza

I love Kebabs and I also love pizza, who knew they would go together so well.  Too bad the presentation was horrible; they need to learn a lesson or two from the fast food giants!

Snack Bomb Pizza

Feel like a pizza, but aren’t in the mood for traditional toppings?  Why not covere your pizza with your favorite snacks and combine snacking with well, getting fat.  This pizza features french fries, sliced corn dogs, Doritos and KFC Popcorn Chicken.

Happy Meal Pizza
Since McDonalds no longer offers pizza, I guess we will have to take it upon ourselves to make a ‘Happy Meal McPizza’.

The Corn Dog Pizza
Every time I take a road trip any where in the USA, I always stop at random gas stations and stuff my face with corn dogs.  For some reason the idea of placing full sized corn dogs on my pizza has always evaded me… until today that is.

Junk Food Pizza
This guy reminds me a lot of the Snack Bomb pizza but some of thee toppings are a little more appetizing to me than Doritos.  The Junk food pizza is a large pizza packing potato skins, mini tacos, Jalapeno poppers, onion rings and Mozza Stick.

Chicago Style Stuffed Pizza
You’ve heard of deep dish pan fried stuffed pizza, but have you EVER seen anything this deep dish and juicy? This Chicago style stuffed pizza is so thick you should almost call it lasagna.

Pizza Roll Up

Ever since somebody decided to pour ranch dressing all over their pizza and turned salad dressing into the McChicken Sauce of the pizza world, I’ve been steadily watching my stomach take over the space previously occupied by my weiner.  This pizza takes an all meat pizza, soaks it in Ranch dressing then rolls it up like a fruit roll up.

Deep Fried Pepperoni Pizza
One of my favorite pizza’s in the world is a New York style slice of Pepperoni pizza dripping with oil.  I always wondered who would top it, that was until I found these pictures. Let me introduce to you, a deep fried pepperoni pizza.  Yumm!

How to Make Deep Fried Pizza

The Meta Pizza
Awww how cute, this pizza gave birth to little baby pizzas and is offering them to us as a topping on itself.  How selfless.

Hamburger Crust Pizza

At first I thought this pizza was just burnt, but after further investigation, some genius created a pizza that had a complete ground beef burger crust.  Bring on the Atkins dieters!

Gravy Pizza
What do you do when you get sick of using Ranch dressing as dipping sauce for your pizza? Step it up a notch and soak that grub in gravy, that’s what.

The Bacon Cheese Pizza Burger
This Bacon Cheese Pizza Burger is pure genius.  Take two meat pizzas and squash a ton of beef, bacon, and cheese in between those two pizzas and pack in probably 2000 calories of heart exploding goodness per slice.

Fast Food Reality

Have you ever seen a McDonald’s or Wendy’s advertisement  and really appreciated how delicious a sandwich or burger looked.  You were so impressed that you went to said fast food restaurant and ordered yourself one.

You fork over your hard earned white collar cash expecting to receive the same beautiful masterpiece shown in the ads just to be let down by a sloppy disgusting looking sandwich that was probably made by an ex inmate.

Sure, you can’t expect that much for a burger that is delivered in less than three minutes but give me a break people, false advertisement is false advertisement.  If you are going to advertise sexy full figured burgers don’t give me a squashed beef patty with some sort of material that is supposed to pass as cheese.

Think I’m just trash talking fast food restaurants? Naaa, I can appreciate a two cheeseburger meal from McDonald’s when nursing a hangover as much as the next guy, but seriously, quit advertising your food as designer foods and start advertising it like it is. Cheap, fast and greasy.

Here are 14 wonderful fast food vs reality examples.

14. Arby’s Beef ‘n’ Cheddar Sandwhich

VS.

13. McDonald’s Sausage Breakfast Burrito

VS

12.  Subway six-inch turkey breast and ham sub sandwich

Vs

11. Wendy’s Southwest Taco Salad

Vs

10. Taco Bell Nachos Bell Grande

Vs

9. Burger King sausage, egg, and cheese croissant

Vs

8. KFC Famous Bowl

Vs

7. McDonald’s  McSkillet burrito

Vs

6. McDonald’s Sausage McMuffin

Vs

5. McDonald’s Big Mac

Vs

4. Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich

Vs

3. McDonald’s Filet O Fish Sandwich

Vs

2. Burger King Whopper

Vs

1. Wendy’s Chicken Club

Vs

Pictures Courtesy of The West Virginia Surf Report

Bacon Tuxedo with Bonus Bacon Smell

MMMmmmmm Bacon.  Seriously, what has this world come to when people are so obsessed with bacon they feel the need to produce a Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedos.

OK, I’ll be perfectly honest, when I came across this Tuxedo all i could think of is how badly I wanted to get married just so I could walk down the isle looking and smelling like a hot pan full of greasy ass bacon.

I’m sure my potential wife would be ecstatic about the idea of a bacon themed wedding. We could have stuffed pig center pieces,  forks and knives carefully carved out of high grade bacon and lets not forget a dramatic wedding dress completely made of freshly sewn raw bacon.

We could top it all off with ‘Babe’ the pig being the ring bearer.  Do you think he’d make a celebrity appearance at my all bacon wedding?

Delicious Unhealthy Breakfasts

Breakfast is a meal that is pretty hard to mess up; eggs, bacon, sausage and a little grease is pretty easy to put together even for the over entitled rich snobby bitches out there with silver spoons up their asses. 

Now that I’ve ousted myself as a poor, jealous jerk, there is one thing having lots of money can do; buy LOTS of extra ingredients.  Money enables people to enjoy things in excess, alcohol, sex and yes food.

The following foods, are greasy yet tasty things you can build if you have extra money and a craving for an extra thirty pounds of body fat.

The Thunderdome
Nothing spells heart attack like an over abundance of cholesterol packed meat. The Thunderdome packs three delicious stacks of bacon, sausage, elk meat, onions and cheese.  We mix all this meat between tortillas and we top her all off with sour cream, two fried eggs and chopped up green onions.

Scotch Egg On-A-Stick
Deep frying stuff seems to be the next big thing in food technology.  You get all the tastiness of the original food coupled with a scrumptious batter and all the grease deep frying adds to your health conscious diet.  This particular item contains a hard boiled egg on a stick nonetheless.  We then wrap that egg in sausage, roller up in breadcrumbs then toss her in the deep fryer until she is nicely cooked.

The Kannbial
With a name like Kannibal you either don’t know how to spell or you really like eating your own meat.  Hrmm, eating your own meat sounds pretty sick, but so does dying at the ripe age of 23 from cardiac arrest.  To help arrange an early grave this breakfast sandwich bumps your cholesterol 30 points through the following tools:
Three meat patties, one beef sausage, one ham sausage paddy, one fried egg and sliced ham covered in minced beef. All of this is jammed in an over-sized bun.  Take that Dennys!

Egg n’ Ham Sammich
When I think of the tasty part of eggs, I immediately think of runny gooey yolks.  It has actually been a dream of mine for years to invent yolk butter. That is right, butter made completely out of yolk.  If salmonella poisoning wasn’t so damn dangerous I’d be diving in my money bin of yolk money just like Scrooge McDuck right about now.

Anyways, this sammy is your traditional ham and cheese sammy, but to spice things up a bit, we’ll top her off with 11 sunny side up egg yolks.  When I die, they better be serving these in Heaven or I’m getting my money back.

Heart Attack Sandwich
Normally you wouldn’t find chicken in anything I would cook.  Why? Because chicken is healthy and I’m still young; that means I’m invincible and I can eat what I want!  There are certain instances where I will allow healthy foods in my recipes, but this is not one!  The only place chicken has in this recipe, is in the type of cooking we will use.  If you don’t know what chicken fried means, it simply means deep fried ala fried chicken!

The heart attack sandwich contains chicken fried steak, chicken-fried bacon, a country sausage, a fried egg, a fried green tomato topped with cheddar cheese and sandwiched between buns toasted in bacon fat, all served with a gravy dipping sauce.

Giant Breakfast Burrito
Size does matter, don’t let anybody tell you differently.  Now guys, before you put your head down and go cry yourself to sleep over your small ‘sausage’, I’m actually talking about food.  The giant breakfast burrito is like the Shaquil O’Neil of breakfast burritos.  It’s large and it kicks a lot of ass.  This bad boy is over seven pounds of heavenly bliss.  The giant breakfast burrito comes stuffed with potatoes, eggs, onions, and ham bits, lots of cheese on top and smothered in red chile.

Bacon Wrapped Mozzarella Sticks
This one is very simple, and is more of a breakfast appetizer.  This one is great for when super rich, super fat aunt and uncle come over to stay for a weekend.  Confirm a good placement in their will, then feed them a few dozen of these a day.  Give them a few dozen extra in a doggy bag when they leave for best results.

Breakfast Deserts

People have different taste buds, and some people are just more into a sweeter breakfast than a sodium bomb breakfast sandwich. If you prefer something a little sweeter that will shave a few years off your life, take a gander at these little goodies.

Bacon Donut
This bad boy is geared to all the police officers checking out ‘This Piggy’.  We dedicate the bacon donut to you.  Police are forced to work long hours and get put into dangerous situations all the time.  Sometimes they don’t have the time to stop by Denny’s for a Big Slam Breakfast and need to get their bacon and their donut down the hatch in a hurry.  This donut keeps all the deep fried goodness of a donut but also supplies your daily dose of salt and cholesterol through the addition of bacon. 

Chocolate Covered Bacon
If the Bacon Donut is a little much for you but you still need a little sugar in the am, use a bacon press to get your bacon perfectly straight.  Next, turn on your fondue machine and dip half your bacon in some liquid chocolate.  Seriously, this is better than sex.

Bacon And Fudge Danish Breakfast Sandwich
This guy is pretty simple, grab yourself a fudge Danish, slice her in half and pack her full of as much bacon as your mouth can handle.  Add extra powdered sugar for good measure.

Blueberry Waffle Breakfast Sandwich
This Sandwich is a combination of a regular breakfast and a desert breakfast; and quite possibly the healthiest item on the entire menu.

To make the blueberry waffle breakfast sandwich, take two eggs, two sausages, ham, string cheese and bacon then plaster all these ingredients between two blueberry waffles and drench with maple syrup.

5 Heart Attack Burgers

5 Heart Attacks On a Bun

Everybody likes heart attacks or at least that is what they are saying when they pound back some of these greasy cholesterol packed burgers.

These five burgers are guaranteed to knock years off your life.  So eat at your own risk!

McSurf n’ Turf

While this burger is definitely going to jack your cholesterol up a few points from all the saturated fat in the 1/4 lber patty, hopefully some of the Omega 3 Fatty acids from the fish (if that really is fish), will help counter off some of the negative effects on your health.

This lovely blend of beef and fish comes equipped with 1 1/4 pounder patty, 1 filet of fish patty, numerous slices of cheese, tartar sauce and 3 bun pieces.

Deep Fried White Castle Sliders

Not much tastes better than a handful of White Castle slider burgers on a lazy Sunday after an evening jam packed full of drinking.  I tried to think of a way you could top them, and indeed a way does exist.  Batter those beautiful little sliders up and toss them in the deep fryer.  Let cool, then sit back and enjoy as your heart quivers in fear.

7 Patty 2 lbs McDonalds Cheese Burger

McDonalds has long been ranked the ‘King of Cholesterol’ and this was for the standard foods they offer.  When I saw this picture of a 7 patty 2lbs cheese burger I personally upped their status from King of Cholesterol to Empire.

The Fifth Third Burger

The Fifth Third Burger is a fan favorite at the West Michigan Whitecap’s stadium and why wouldn’t it be? This nutritionist’s nightmare contains nearly 5000 calories in heart stopping goodness.  With each $20 purchase you qualify to receive the following health conscious foods:

5 1/3lbs beef patties
1 Cup Chili
5 Slices of American Cheese
Nacho Cheese
Lettuce
Salsa
Sour Cream
Frito’s Potato Chips
Optional: Jalapeno

To make your mom really proud, finish the whole burger by yourself and you will land yourself a T-Shirt to show off to all your fat friends.

Mega Mel Burger

The Mega Mel Burger might just be the biggest burger to ever walk this planet (Cows walk before they are slaughtered so shut it).  The burger contains 1.5 lbs of fresh ground beef, 1 lb of bacon, 1/4 lb of American cheese, lots of lettuce,tomatoes and pickles.  This burger is offered at Mel’s Country Cafe located in Tomball, Texas. What makes this burger EXTRA special is that if you can finish the ENTIRE thing in two hours, you even get to put your name on the wall! You can have your name in the lights with hundreds of other obese Americans! Just make sure you don’t let anybody pick off your plate or you will be disqualified.