6 Things the Japanese Could do with Whales Instead of Eating Them
Whaling in Japanese culture is not frowned upon in the slightest, so animal rights activists are always plotting and scheming new ways to piss the Japanese off by telling them not to do it. Instead of telling them “no”, we think we should let the Japanese know what else they could do with those big ass whales.
1. Whale Racing
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If you’ve seen the classic movie Ben-Hur you may remember the scene where they race in chariots pulled by horses. So, why not create something fun to do with the whales? Driving around on a boat chariot hauled by a trained whale would be incredibly eco-friendly. Not to mention fun, up until your whale is targeted by a school of pissed off sharks. By attaching a large leash to the whale (in a safe, humane way, of course) you could harness the power of the beast fueled on smaller fish. Just feed your whale and you should be good. Off to the races!
2. Whale Watching
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Yes, there is an extreme difference in the adrenaline pumping sport of whale racing when compared to whale watching, but hell - not everyone is completely capable of hanging onto that watery bronco. Whale watching can actually be kind of soothing, as you listen in on their calls of “kill anything that looks like a boat”. Yeah, it’s kind of a sleeper sport, but you might see some crazy underwater battles (but the likelihood of that is about a 3% chance, I’m guessing). For Victoria whale watching, you can see some fat Orcas. Personally, they were cooler when they were known as “killer whales”.
3. Become “Whale Whisperers”
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A more safe, and perhaps lucrative business alternative to slaughtering whales would be turning those big mothers into pets. Everyone knows pets have problems. That’s why there are specialists that can “talk some sense into your pet”, and if Dogs are a big part of people’s problems, then I’m sure whales would be quite cumbersome. Forget scratched furniture and chewed up shoes, good luck trying to ever have another bath in your apartment. If Cesar Millan can bank his life fortune on the insecurities of human beings interacting with their dogs, think about how many people would fail at raising a whale!
4. Whale Tweets
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Whales usually talk a bunch when they’re swimming around. They also eat a lot. So why not let researchers and the internet itself know when a whale eats, swims around in circles, or farts? Hook up a twitter account and that whale is guaranteed to not be turned into some delicious sushi. Figuratively known as the “Fail Whale“, these tweeting whales would provide entertainment for the world.
5. Fancy Whale Fashions
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Alright this may be stretching it a bit, but if dogs can get sweet goggles, and if cats can get fake fingernails and “people” clothes, and horses getting shoes… it just makes sense that whales should look good. Maybe some shorts or hats to kick it off. Whale fashion shows could be held on giant slip and slides and end up back in the ocean. Only problem is the whales might be a little pissed off when scuba divers go down to remove the fashion garments for re-sale. You ever tried fighting an Orca for his fedora? Didn’t think so.
6. Using Blowholes for (Balloon) Inflation
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In a pinch, a whale could just breathe and inflate balloons. Simply load a whale into a dunk tank and hook balloons up to that sucker. A hit at birthday parties, and generally awesome - this could be the next big thing in whale innovation. Also, I know what you’re all thinking when I said “use their blowholes”. Shame on you.
